Today we’re glimpsing into the world of Randall Lee, the star of the Randall Lee Mystery Series by Charles Colyott. Randall inadvertently but consistently gets himself into trouble. This is one such instance, in which an incident Randall may or may not be responsible for has him being questioned by a police detective.
DETECTIVE: Today is the 13th of December, 2011. This is Detective Robert Martin of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department. This is an interview with Mr.…er… I apologize, Dr. Randall Lee in reference to an event that happened earlier this evening at 8020 Olive Boulevard. Dr. Lee has waived his right to an attorney, is that correct, sir?
DETECTIVE: And you’re aware that we’re recording this interview, correct?
DETECTIVE: Okay, so what I’d like to hear is your account of what happened tonight.
RL: (Throat clears) Sure. I was on my way to a grocery store. A group of guys tried to mug me. Now I’m talking to you.
DETECTIVE: How many guys?
RL: I don’t recall.
DETECTIVE: A witness from the store says she saw four guys.
DETECTIVE: Does that sound about right?
RL: …Yeah, sure. I mean, I wasn’t trying to count them.
DETECTIVE: Would you please let the record know what your profession is, sir?
RL: I’m a doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine.
DETECTIVE: …but you’re not Chinese…
RL: What does that matter?
DETECTIVE: Just establishing why you were walking through that neighborhood at night.
RL: Because I live and work a few blocks down from there, is that okay?
DETECTIVE: There’s no reason to get agitated, sir. What does a…uh… a doctor of Chinese medicine do?
RL: I help people. Herbs, massage, acupuncture, that sort of thing.
DETECTIVE: And I’m assuming you have the proper licensures and all…
DETECTIVE: Okay, Dr. Lee. Tell me what happened when these men approached you.
RL: They wanted money. I told them to get lost—
DETECTIVE: –These were Chinese guys, correct?
RL: …You’re really obsessed with ethnicity…
DETECTIVE: I’m asking, doctor, because everything we’ve seen seems to suggest that these guys are part of this influx of Chinese mafia into the area and a lot of these guys don’t speak English.
RL: They didn’t speak English. They spoke Cantonese.
DETECTIVE: And you understood them? You replied to them… in Cantonese?
DETECTIVE: Would you say you’re fluent in Cantonese?
RL: I do okay.
DETECTIVE: Could you say something in Cantonese, just for the recording?
RL: …Okay… Diu Nei Lo Mo.
DETECTIVE: Do you speak any other languages, Dr.?
RL: What is this, a Rosetta Stone commercial? I’d like to get home sometime tonight—
DETECTIVE: Could you please just answer the question, sir?
RL: I speak Cantonese, Mandarin, and a bit of Japanese. And English. Obviously.
DETECTIVE: Thank you. So the men approached you, asked you for money, and you responded to them in their language… to… get lost. To leave you alone. Right?
DETECTIVE: Was it at this point that things got violent?
RL: …No… Who said anything about violence?
DETECTIVE: I’ve got four men in the hospital tonight after meeting you, Doctor. Are you saying there wasn’t an altercation?
RL: Do I look like I could fight off four gangsters?
DETECTIVE: You didn’t answer my question.
RL: Okay, do I look like someone who was in a fight with four gangsters?
DETECTIVE: You’re still not answering my question.
RL: Because it’s a stupid question. So far, these have all been stupid questions.
DETECTIVE: A witness at the scene claims to have seen you strike these men. Did you strike them?
RL: Of course not.
DETECTIVE: So the witness lied?
RL: Maybe. Or maybe they were confused.
DETECTIVE: What’s your version of what happened, then?
RL: The truth, you mean? I can’t explain it. The guy asked me for money. I told him no. He tried to shove me… and he just fell down. If I had to guess, I’d say he had a seizure.
DETECTIVE: A seizure.
RL: Yeah. That’s what it looked like.
DETECTIVE: And at what point did the other three men collapse?
RL: Pretty much right after the first guy.
DETECTIVE: And do you have any theory as to why that would be?
RL: Nope. Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.
DETECTIVE: Doctor, is it true that you practice martial arts?
RL: I do a little Tai Chi from time to time, for health reasons.
DETECTIVE: Tai Chi… My wife’s got a dvd. I think it was one of those Carradine guys… that’s Tai Chi, right?
RL: I believe so.
DETECTIVE: So that’s a health thing, then.
DETECTIVE: Do you do any real martial arts?
RL: …Just Tai Chi.
DETECTIVE: The reason I ask is that a few of the people we talked to mentioned… let me read this to you, see what you think… uh… something called ‘Dim Mak’?
RL: (Laughs) Seriously?
DETECTIVE: Yeah, why?
RL: It’s an old myth. The “Death Touch.” Supposedly people were able to hit certain points of the body and kill them.
DETECTIVE: So you don’t practice that art?
RL: It’s not an art… It’s like if you asked me if I used psychic powers to summon Bigfoot to beat up those guys. It’s stupid.
DETECTIVE: So it’s stupid to think that you can poke certain points that will cause bad things to happen… but you make a living based on the belief that you can poke certain points that will heal a person?
RL: Wow. That’s really clever.
DETECTIVE: Just an observation.
RL: Well, I have an observation too. You haven’t read me my rights, you haven’t charged me with anything, and you’ve spent most of this interview either annoying or insulting me. So charge me with something or let me go home.
DETECTIVE: [after a lengthy pause] We have your address. I may need to speak to you again.
[RL stands, shakes hands with the interviewing officer, and leaves.]
[Note: After regaining consciousness, none of the men involved in the altercation chose to press charges against Dr. Lee. Despite wishes to follow up on this incident, a mild but persistent case of food poisoning prevented Detective Martin from returning to work for approximately two weeks after this interview.]
Charles Colyott lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere (Illinois) with his wife, 2 daughters, cats, and a herd of llamas and alpacas. He is surrounded by so much cuteness it’s very difficult for him to develop any street cred as a dark and gritty writer. Nevertheless, he has appeared in Read by Dawn II, Dark Recesses Press, Withersin magazine, Horror Library Volumes III & IV, Terrible Beauty, Fearful Symmetry, and Zippered Flesh, among other places. He also teaches a beginner level Tai Chi Ch’uan class in which no one has died (yet) of the death touch.
You can get in touch with him on Facebook, or email him at email@example.com.
Unlike his llamas, he does not spit.
Connect with Charles:
Twitter: www.twitter.com/charlescolyott or @CharlesColyott
I hope you’ll join Charles and Randall in their fictional world.
Stop by on Monday to meet Frank Mort from the Dovetail Cove series by Jason McIntyre.
Thanks for reading.
Tags: Changes, Charles Colyott, Cheap Kindle Books, Death Touch, Dim Mak, Fictional Martial Artists, Humorous Mystery Novels, Martial Arts in Fiction, Mystery Novels With Humor, mystery series, Mystery Series Authors, Pressure Point, Randall Lee Mystery Series, Recommended Mystery Series, Recommended Reads