I’m trying to be an understanding sister because you were
hurt yesterday, but what the hell were you thinking? I traipsed all the way up
that hill, lugging those stupid metal buckets. The path was narrow and steep,
and I broke three nails on the way up. My manicure was destroyed!
I know you don’t care about the manicure. You said I wasted
my money on the fake nails and polish, anyway. But that manicure cost me a full
week’s pay. And babysitting all those miserable brats in the Old Lady’s shoe is
not easy! Do you have any idea what it’s like to wipe more snotty noses than
you can count? And the diapers! I swear the Old Lady keeps Pampers in business
all on her own.
The broken nails weren’t the worst of it, though. Last
night, I had a date with Peter Piper. Well, I was supposed to have a date with
him. That’s what the manicure was for. But, after I tumbled down the hill after
you, I had to go all around the mulberry bush helping Humpty Dumpty pick up his
pieces. He fell off the wall trying to
catch you as you rolled past him. Poor Humpty was a mess, crying all these
yolky tears. You know the King’s men couldn’t even put him back together the
last time he fell. They had to fly in a specialist from Boston. Fortunately,
this time wasn’t as bad.
Humpty and I finally found all his pieces, and Mother Goose
came running over to tell me you had a bad gash on your head. They’d tried to
take you to the hospital, but London Bridge was falling down and they couldn’t
get you to the other side. She wanted me to know King Cole’s private physician
was stitching you up over at the castle. Nobody cared that my head, shoulders, knees,
and toes were all dirty and bruised. No one cared about my manicure, either.
Still, I would have come to see you right then. You are my brother, after all,
and I care what happens to you. I was on my way, in fact, when three blind mice
raced past me. The Farmer’s wife had been chopping carrots and had accidentally
cut off their tails! The mice were screeching so loud, I didn’t hear Boy Blue
blowing his horn in warning. Next thing I knew, the wheels on the bus almost
ran right over me!
By this time, it was getting late and I knew I’d never make
it back to town in time for my date. I couldn’t call Peter because my cell
phone shattered under one of those stupid metal pails. So I stopped at Miss
Muffet’s house to use her phone. She was eating a big bowl of porridge, which,
by the way, smelled delicious. My stomach grumbled to remind me of the appetite
I’d built up from all the running around. I was dialing the phone when suddenly
Muffet shrieked loud enough to burst my eardrums. Her bowl went flying through
the air, smashed on the floor, and splattered bits of porridge all over me. The
stuff was even in my hair! When I finally managed to calm her down, she told me
she’d been frightened by a spider that sat down beside her. I checked, and it
was an itsy, bitsy spider! I practically needed a magnifying glass to see it.
I cleaned myself up as best I could, then finally made the
call to Peter. His roommate Jack Horner answered, and told me Peter had left
long ago. He thought I stood him up, so he took Bo Peep to Old MacDonald’s for
fresh pumpkin pie. And you know how Bo Peep is. She wears those frilly dresses
and bats her long lashes, while putting on the helpless girl act. The guys
always fall for it, too. I’ve probably
lost my chance with Peter now.
All of this wouldn’t be nearly as upsetting if I could make
the least bit of sense out of you insisting I meet you up on that hill in the
first place. I can’t believe you fell for that nonsense Muffin Man told you.
Did you honestly think there was a magical well up on that hilltop? Water does
not flow uphill!
I’m sorry you’re injured, Jack, but yesterday was the
absolute worst day of my life and I’m exhausted. I won’t be picking you up at
the castle. London Bridge is completely destroyed, so you’ll have to row your
boat down the stream. I plan to spend the day in bed, with the covers over my
head. Queen of Hearts brought over some hot cross buns. You can have those for
dinner. Please don’t disturb me.