I write about murder - gruesome murder, bizarre murder, murder for hire and murder as revenge. What I write is fiction. Mine is a make-believe world of murder as entertainment.
I'd like to take a noble stance and say that I don't enjoy writing the murder scenes. But I do. That's creepy to admit out loud, I know. I kill people on paper and I like it. How did this happen?
The truly odd thing is that I am a total pacifist. I even feel bad when I kill a mosquito and I despise mosquitoes. So why is it that I enjoying writing murder scenes?
I am fascinated by human behavior. And let's be honest. People at their best are not as interesting as people at their worst. I want to know what pushes one person to the edge of civility, to a place I can't imagine myself ever going. What is the catalyst behind the pull of the trigger or the thrust of the blade? No one lives in a vacuum and no behavior is born in a single moment. Someone who murders has to be inherently different than someone who does not. Or so we tell ourselves.
The woman who kills her abuser is different than the woman who is killed by a similar abuser. Is one action borne of rage and the other of fear? Why did the tenth black eye trigger a different reaction than the first or the third or the ninth?
Anybody who's been through a divorce will tell you that at one point they've thought murder.
The line between thinking murder and doing murder isn't that major.
~ Oliver Stone
When a person hits that raw spot, the low point he or she never expected to be in, that treacherous climb back up can be as intense as the fall. Bloody fingers scrape against jagged rocks in the struggle to rise from the rubble. Some will make it, others will not.
The ability to explore the dark side, without physically walking that line, is one reason why I write suspense. Still, this does not explain why I enjoy writing the murder scenes. They are not a means to an end. I don't write them in haste, so that I can then explore the outcome. I'm not emotionally removed from the scene. In fact, the only way I can write is to step into the character's mind. I need to feel it the way he or she would. I need to be in that moment, with that person, pulling the trigger.
In a sense, writing for me is a lot like acting. I step into a role in the same way, at least psychologically. Perhaps that's the allure. Writers, like actors, can become someone else. We step out of our comfort zone, embrace the anger and the absurd. We are no longer bound by our own moral compass. Those emotions, not ours but real just the same, allow us to walk in another's shoes. When we're done, we shed that skin and, if we're lucky, we're left with a better understanding of the world we live in.
It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.